love2sing
11-30-2005, 11:26 PM
My wonderful Jewish sister-in-law sent me this e-mail. I thought I'd share it because it is so true. BTW, she called me to invite me for Christmas dinner today. I had to laugh, the Jewish girl inviting me and my family for Christmas. Chanukah happens to start at sundown that same night. So I may have to wash the latkes down with eggnog! I love my sister-in-law, but I bet the only reason she invited me was so that I could grate the potatoes and onions. I'm sure like a typical Jewish woman, she won't want to break a nail. I guess I'd better brush up on my Chanukah prayer for the first candle to be lit. And I'd better find a coffee filter to place on my son's head.
Now, if anyone asks you what the difference is between Christmas and
Chanukah you will know what and how to answer!
1. Christmas is one day, same day every year, December 25. Jews
also love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go
to the movies and out for Chinese food and Israeli dancing.
Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev,
whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until
a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to
consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the
same calendar, provided free with a donation from the World
Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher or the local Sinai Memorial
Chapel (especially inFlorida) or other Jewish funeral home.
2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday
with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat.
3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume,
stereos, etc. Jews get practical presents such as underwear,
socks or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks
impressive on the bookshelf.
4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide
how to spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah,
Hannukah, etc.
5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and
boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are
relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on
Chanukah.
6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used
for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills,
but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy
crisis.
7. Christmas carols are beautiful...Silent Night, Come All Ye
Faithful. Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or
having a party and dancing the hora. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and
written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and
Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?
8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet
smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered
around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of
oil, potatoes and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud
people all talking at once.
9. Christian women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Jewish
women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and
onions for latkes on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering
through the ages.
10. Parents deliver presents to their children during Christmas.
Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of
the eight nights.
11. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce
names such as Mary, Joseph and Jesus. The players in the
Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee and Matta whatever.
No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can
tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully
versed in our history.
12. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think,
"Yossela, Bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you
didn't sleep with her, and now you want to blame G-d? Here's the
number of my shrink".
13. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more
commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it
is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major
holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think
observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours,
become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess
your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family.
Tickets a mere $200 per person. Better stick with Chanukah!
Now, if anyone asks you what the difference is between Christmas and
Chanukah you will know what and how to answer!
1. Christmas is one day, same day every year, December 25. Jews
also love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go
to the movies and out for Chinese food and Israeli dancing.
Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev,
whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until
a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to
consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the
same calendar, provided free with a donation from the World
Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher or the local Sinai Memorial
Chapel (especially inFlorida) or other Jewish funeral home.
2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday
with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat.
3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume,
stereos, etc. Jews get practical presents such as underwear,
socks or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks
impressive on the bookshelf.
4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide
how to spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah,
Hannukah, etc.
5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and
boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are
relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on
Chanukah.
6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used
for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills,
but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy
crisis.
7. Christmas carols are beautiful...Silent Night, Come All Ye
Faithful. Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or
having a party and dancing the hora. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and
written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and
Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?
8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet
smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered
around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of
oil, potatoes and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud
people all talking at once.
9. Christian women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Jewish
women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and
onions for latkes on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering
through the ages.
10. Parents deliver presents to their children during Christmas.
Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of
the eight nights.
11. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce
names such as Mary, Joseph and Jesus. The players in the
Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee and Matta whatever.
No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can
tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully
versed in our history.
12. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think,
"Yossela, Bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you
didn't sleep with her, and now you want to blame G-d? Here's the
number of my shrink".
13. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more
commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it
is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major
holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think
observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours,
become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess
your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family.
Tickets a mere $200 per person. Better stick with Chanukah!