yleekiyote
01-21-2004, 10:07 AM
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named
Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at
a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's
table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the
call came in. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy
and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two
beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.
These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno
tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave
off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my
face.
Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs
more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of
peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My
nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows
the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite.
Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the
front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of
the beer.
Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish
for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but
was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste
buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT... just
like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and
four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other
judges asked me to stop screaming. ***** those rednecks.
Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than
I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw
in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take
note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in
a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the
pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one
eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.
My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of
my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. *****
it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll
just **** it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.
Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.
Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost
when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili
pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make
it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
chili?
Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at
a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's
table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the
call came in. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy
and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two
beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.
These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno
tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave
off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my
face.
Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs
more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of
peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My
nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows
the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite.
Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the
front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of
the beer.
Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish
for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but
was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste
buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT... just
like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and
four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other
judges asked me to stop screaming. ***** those rednecks.
Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than
I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw
in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take
note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in
a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the
pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one
eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.
My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of
my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. *****
it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll
just **** it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.
Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.
Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost
when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili
pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make
it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
chili?