The Joke Board

[yleekiyote]

A blind man wanders into a female only bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?". The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[Sue]

ROTFLMAO ...THAT was funny!!

[chinarain62]

THAT is too funny!!! I've got spread that one around!

[LessPaull]

This Thread Is A Joke !

[OU812]

I GIVE IT A 5.
I LIKE THIS ONE............ WHY DONT MEXICANS BBQ CAUSE THE BEANS FALL THROUGH THE GRILL.

[LessPaull]

Originally posted by OU812
I GIVE IT A 5.
I LIKE THIS ONE............ WHY DONT MEXICANS BBQ CAUSE THE BEANS FALL THROUGH THE GRILL.

That Was So Stupid !!:mad:

[OU812]

LESS

























**** YOU

[Doc]

Did you hear about the Polish abortion clinic?



There' an 11 month waiting list

[tome811]

Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?

[Hugh_Bond]

Originally posted by tome811
Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?

No. What about him?

[tome811]

Originally posted by Hugh_Bond


No. What about him?

Hugh- Bond, You have to think about that one. Once I got it, I was ROFLMAO!

[yleekiyote]

Originally posted by tome811


Hugh- Bond, You have to think about that one. Once I got it, I was ROFLMAO!

Ok, the air is kinda thin up there Tome811, let's help him out a little.

A Plastic Surgeon who HUNG himself.................I think he got it now.

[yleekiyote]

Did you hear about the guy who was choking on a Viagra? He got it dislodged, and was ok, except he had a stiff neck for a couple of hours.

[NY DREAMER]

As a blonde myself I must admit that was a funny one!! :p

[yleekiyote]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.
it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,
"So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This
must be a sign from God that we should meet and be
friends and live together in peace for the rest of our
days".
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Scotch didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately
puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

[OU812]

i never fuc&ed a 10 but one night i fuc&ed 5 two's

[EVHFV]

A horse walks into a bar. and the bartender says "Hey, why the long face???".........

[tome811]

A piece of string walks into a bar and says: "Gimme a drink!". The bartender tells him: "We don't serve string here!". So the string walks out, musses up his hair, walks back into the bar and says:' Gimme a drink!". The bartender says: " I told you, we don't serve string in here!". The string says to the bartender: " I'm afraid not!".(Courtesy of P. Guinozzo)

[KISSterical]

Okay, there's only ONE joke I can think of that is possibly worse than "A FRAYED KNOT" and here it is...

3 men go to the gold mines looking for a job....One is American, One is African, and One is ASIAN (NOT oriental, right Dawnie??)

They find the foreman and ask if there's any work for them. He tells the American, and the African to go into the mines and load up the cars with as much gold as they can find and bring the carts all the way over to the other side of the mines....then he tells the ASIAN man to go to the tent and be in charge of the supplies for the workers.

They worked very hard all day into the night and at the end of the job the American and the African approached the foreman for their pay. When they got there the foreman asked, "where is your friend?". They said they hadn't seen him all day and they all went into the mines to search for him....hours later when they've just about given up, they head back to the tent and out of nowhere the ASIAN jumps out and yells....."SUPPLIES!!!!!"


I said it was bad, didn't I??????

[tome811]

That was sad.......

Three female prisoners escape from the pen and are on the run. There was a Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead. They're just about cornered near a barn on a farm. They duck inside to escape John Law, and try to make themselves "disappear". They see three gunny sacks lyin' on the floor, and quickly put their plan into motion. When John Law busts through the barn doors, he sees three sacks of something up against one of the barn walls. Not thinking too much of it he takes a look around the premises and nears the sacks. He gives the first sack a nudge with his foot, and the Brunette makes "meowing" sounds like the sack has a cat in it. The cop walks to the second sack and gives it a nudge. The Redhead makes a "whimpering", "soft-barking" sounds as if the sack had puppie dogs in it. Cop strolls over to the last sack, and gives it a nudge. The Blonde opens her mouth and makes the sound of the word, "Potatoes".

[yleekiyote]

A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With super-human strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the backyard and put his penis in a vice.

She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to."

[tome811]

OUCH!!!!!!! :(

[mark]

Why does the Black Beauty Pagent only have 49 states??????



























































Because no one wants to be Ms. IDAHO

[EVHFV]

What has wrinkles and hangs out your pants????









































Your GRANDMA!!!!!

[yleekiyote]

FEMALE PRAYER:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call,
he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed, I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store.
Amen.

[Hugh_Bond]

Originally posted by yleekiyote


Ok, the air is kinda thin up there Tome811, let's help him out a little.

A Plastic Surgeon who HUNG himself.................I think he got it now.

Okay, penis enlargement.... Arr arr arr! ;)

[Hugh_Bond]

Originally posted by EVHFV
Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar. and the bartender says "Hey, why the long face???".........

[Hugh_Bond]

Originally posted by EVHFV
What has wrinkles and hangs out your pants????





Your GRANDMA!!!!!

It's nice out.

I think I'll leave it out.

[Sue]

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an
organization...

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most
frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of
approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant.

That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent." "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[yleekiyote]

A bus makes a stop and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come a once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come a one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives........."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abou ta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."


I BET YOU READ THIS AGAIN!!!

[tome811]

Ylee- That was pretty good!

[yleekiyote]

Marriage is a three ring circus, you have:
Engagement Ring
Wedding Ring
Suffering

[yleekiyote]

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and
problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in ****pit.
S: Something tightened in ****pit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in ****pit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Sue]

Boy, that was funny. I was laughing so hard it took me awhile to read :D

[mark]

CONFUCIOUS SAY:

He who goes through airport turnstyle sideways with a stiffy going to BANGKOK!

[EVHFV]

What's long and hard and full of "seamen"? A submarine!!!

[tome811]

Another Good one by Yleekiyote!!:D

[mark]

Originally posted by EVHFV
What's long and hard and full of "seamen"? A submarine!!!

Why do they call them Sperm Whales.

Cause they like to Capsize boats and eat the seamen.



Ok, that was weak. I only just made it up at the spur of the moment.

[tome811]

Bump

[shoeluvr]

Q. What do men and floor tiles have in common? A. If you Lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for the next 20 years

[yleekiyote]

Originally posted by shoeluvr
Q. What do men and floor tiles have in common? A. If you Lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for the next 20 years

Why do woman have legs?
A. So they don't leave tracks like snails